Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.