Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing