people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
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I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]