Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
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Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine