My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
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Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions