Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
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I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges