“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”