How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.