Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
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It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
fixed it
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.