I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off