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Page of Steven37366100's best tweets

@Steven37366100 : I've been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas

@Steven37366100: Me: *making table side guacamole*

Priest: Please get off the altar

@Steven37366100: Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?

Wife: Well, it wa....

Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes

@Steven37366100: Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.

Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.

@Steven37366100: Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled

Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala

Me: What time should I pick that up?

@Steven37366100: Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?

Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.



Banker: I’m in.

@Steven37366100: Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?

Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.

Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.

Me: Exactly.

@Steven37366100: [First day as a doctor]

Patient: *throwing up blood*

Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?

@Steven37366100: Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

@Steven37366100: Son: What is wrong with those people?

Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.