@Steven37366100: Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa....
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
@Steven37366100: Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
@Steven37366100: Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
@Steven37366100: Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker: I’m in.
@Steven37366100: Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
@Steven37366100: [First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
@Steven37366100: Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
@Steven37366100: Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.