[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
You Might Also Like
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.