Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
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I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
That’s what I call a flat tire
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?