I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
You Might Also Like
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No