I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
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My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
79.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?