I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
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[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Social Media and Real life
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?