@StoneAgeRadio13

Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.

-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆

@StoneAgeRadio13

The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?

@StoneAgeRadio13

ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.

@StoneAgeRadio13

[petting zoo]

ME: *still petting the penguin*

DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.

@StoneAgeRadio13

I SAID: How’s vacation going?

MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.