[cleaning the garage]

ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway

12YO: ok which app do I use

ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app

12YO: is it on mom’s phone

ME: no app. push. the. broom.



12YO: so should i download it


I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.


FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby

ME: not today satan


WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them

ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?


Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.

-Lord of the Rings


The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?


Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.


[petting zoo]

ME: *still petting the penguin*

DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.


I SAID: How’s vacation going?

MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.