Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.