[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO: so should i download it
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.