I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
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The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
birds and squirrels envy us
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Wake me when AI does housework
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Great acting.. 😂
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.