If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
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I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Today’s Times
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen