One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
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wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
*Seductively hides in the woods
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list