It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
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There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one