Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.