me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
You Might Also Like
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.