Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
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i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.