As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
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[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
greetings!
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT: