discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
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Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
is this meant to deter me
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners