Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”
“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”
putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.
Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.
“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.
I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.
Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
