Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.