last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
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I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?