A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
You Might Also Like
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.