Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
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* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.