MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
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My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
These work great until they don’t.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently