*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?