noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?