Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
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Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself