Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
You Might Also Like
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk