4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
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CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry