dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
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reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.