“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
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If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”