Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
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Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.