[Me, getting hauled out of a bank vault with 1,000 chameleons stapled around my body]
[Inventing Cotton Candy]
What if insulation was delicious?
“Two long necks please”
Giraffe in the back: Wow. Did he just-
Giraffe’s wife: Cliff, he didn’t mean anything by it please sit down
Teacher: What’s ur biggst fear?
Child3: That humanity’s core reaction to misunderstanding is anger
Ouija board just told me it’s still waiting on a grandbaby and I was like lol Mom when did you die
[A Dad about to give the birds & the bees talk]
*Watches son try to poke a Capri Sun for 35 minutes*
“Know what, we’re good”
“(cell phone) Hi Coast Guard, yeah a shark is banging my boat oh you’re on your way great thanks”