EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
[drops phone in toilet]
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
[auditions for laundry detergent commercials just so I can splash brightly colored food on myself on purpose]
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.