Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
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The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
constantly working on myself.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods