ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
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Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
meanwhile over on facebook
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.