I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
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If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Sooo many times…..
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.