[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
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People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Help Wanted
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time