Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
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[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
where the womens at?
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*