Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
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Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
they split up moments later
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!