WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
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just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?