Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties