Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
I’m putting together a team
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time