Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what